love in the living room

My Tough

I can't blame you if you haven't checked out Tough Love. Even regular VH1 viewers didn’t dig into it with the sick enthusiasm that fuels Rock of Love: Love Bus. Tough Love has a subtler appeal, but it’s also more genuine.

The premise is this: Steve Ward and his mother, Joanne, run a successful matchmaking business. Women come to Tough Love Boot Camp so Steve can match them up with men and coach them to be better at dating. This is accomplished through many awkward and unnecessarily complicated elements, including challenges, randomly numbered rules, dates, booze-y pool parties,  group therapy, a weekly hot seat, and a fairly ridiculous promise ring ceremony for the season finale.

Steve is a likeable weirdo, but a weirdo nonetheless. He emphasizes the male gaze with almost religious devotion, chastising the women about their clothes, hair, and make-up, which he justifies by saying that these things send a message to men. The first few episodes are inevitably devoted to parading the women around in front of men and then making them listen to (usually shallow) feedback. Not surprisingly, many participants lash out, but Steve maintains that if they don’t listen to what men think (a collective thought, apparently) they’ll never find a man to love them.

Like the casts of all great reality dating shows, most ladies on Tough Love are a mess. But they’re older, wiser messes (ranging from mid-twenties to mid-thirties) and even seem to have jobs. So they’re messes I can relate to. Well, except for Taylor.

It's just not a canonical episode unless Taylor Royce in the hot seat. Taylor would have been just as at home on any VH1 show, but she never would have lasted a full two seasons (they brought her back for a second chance!) and therefore given me so much joy.

What sets Tough Love apart from other women-live-in-a-house-together-and-try-to-accomplish-something shows is that it’s not a competition. No one gets kicked off, no matter what. Without the fear of elimination, the women have the freedom to be more natural. They don’t hold back on the jaw drops and eye rolls, which makes every dramatic moment doubly entertaining. They also have the rare opportunity to form friendships. Claws may come out in the first few episodes, but the conversation inevitably turns to good-old girly philosophizing. (Most repeated line: “I’ve been through so much.”) It’s like a very long slumber party where everyone’s over 25.

No, Tough Love isn't feminist. I mean, it’s kind of about how brainwashing women will make them more attractive. But by the finale, personal growth is established as the primary goal, and women often “choose me” over their man in the promise ring ceremony. As Steve said in the Season 2 finale, “They have all grown to learn what’s best I themselves.” And that's pretty solid, especially for VH1.

Now that Tough Love Couples is casting, I’m looking forward to seeing men and women endure the bizarre-but-delightful perils of Tough Love on equal terms. Fingers crossed that they'll bring Taylor and her new BF back!

I had written off More to Love as just another step in fat-sploitation, and maybe I would have gone on that way without ever knowing for sure. But last weekend on The Soup, Joel McHale illustrated the intrinsic hypocrisy in my assumption by first criticizing the show’s producers for showcasing the women’s weight, and then commencing with the fat jokes. I was so offended that I had to see for myself. And now I’m completely hooked and will be watching every episode to the bitter end/proposal.

More to Love features 20 plus-sized women competing for the love of one man, and thus straddles two genres: Shows About Fat People (for the record, I’m using “fat” as a size descriptor, not a value judgment), and Shows About Lonely, Desperate, Crazy People (full value judgment intended). In the Fat People genre, we have The Biggest Loser, Celebrity Fit Club, Dance Your Ass Off, etc., which presents weight loss as an inspirational goal while playing on the audience’s freak-show fascination with obesity. In the dating genre, we have The Bachelor and Bachelorette, VH1’s of Love series, etc. Here, the goal is love as represented by romantic clichés like roses, hot tubs, and proposals on the beach, and the entertainment lies in watching people act ridiculous in love's pursuit.

As with all dating shows, the contestants with self-esteem approach More to Love as a game they’re trying to win, and therefore seem less crazy/more relatable. Then there are the many unstable participants who can’t stop crying. These poor sad ladies already consider Luke to be the love of their life and face potential heartbreak at every elimination. Next week there’s a simulated prom, so you can just imagine all the not-so-repressed adolescent trauma that’s going to dredge up. But that kind of drama is par for the dating-competition course. The difference here is that the contestant’s issues center on weight rather than crappy ex-boyfriends, inattentive parents, or whatever other problems drive people to enter these competitions.

Another difference is Luke, the 300 pound male object, who prefers full-figured women and is revered because of it. My favorite contestant, Bonnie, summed up the premise pretty well: “It’s great to be competing for the love of a person who would love us no matter what we look like.” 

Luke is two parts sweetie pie and one part lech. His attraction to large women comes off more like a fetish than a normal inclination. I can’t help but cringe at the way he ogles the contestants (to their delight) and ends EVERY conversation with a kiss on the lips. Then again, he really tries to make everyone feel comfortable and secure. And how can you resist adorable bro-isms like “Why have a 6-pack when you can have the whole keg?” Luke is a worthy love interest, but it’s sad that so many of the women already think he’s the only one in the world who could be attracted to them.

And that’s the thing. I want to see more women on TV who exceed the size standard, but I don’t want them to be regarded as freaks because of it. The opening credits almost address this: “The average woman on a dating show: Size 2. The average American woman: Size 14.” Including average and above-average sizes in the scope of TV romance is a worthwhile endeavor, and it’s refreshing to see a show featuring heavier people that isn’t about weight loss (even if we have to anticipate that Luke and his lady will shed some pounds and endorse diet products after the finale). But if this is really about expanding our concept of a normal size, then why are there so many shots of fat women crying about how much they weigh?

Of course, the topper is that while Fox bemoans the exclusion of average-sized women from dating shows, it’s excluding average-sized women from dating shows. If they really want to represent more sizes, why not just integrate the competition? Maybe reality TV is always exploitative, but if that’s the case we should all be exploited equally, not separately.

Hall That She Wants

The Girls of Hedsor Hall isn’t that different from other behavioral competitions in reality tv-land. It features good-looking people with impulse-control issues trying to behave, but mostly acting crazy. And yes, they are competing for a cash prize. We’ve seen it before: 12 so-called bad girls enter, one reformed good girl  leaves (with $100,000).The difference lies in the setting. Rather than being instructed by celebrity  psychologists or plain-old celebrities, the contestants are attending one of the most famous finishing schools in England. Headmistress Gill Harbord and Disciplinarian Rosemary Schrager lend an authenticity to Hedsor Hall that’s rare in the genre. (For instance, their accents aren’t in question, unlike the heavily voiced-over Trina Dolenz on Tool Academy.) You just can’t fake English like this. 

The girls are supposed to learn to be “ladies,” a role that’s very clearly defined in traditional English etiquette. It’s weirdly fascinating to see a feminine ideal so unabashedly embraced as something for young women to aspire to. And at the same time, Hedsor Hall’s definition of “lady-like” behavior is much more inclusive than one might expect.

The Girls of Hedsor Hall - MTV Shows

Okay, we have the predictable posture exercises, painting lessons, and flower arranging classes. And then there’s falconry, hunting, and pheasant stuffing! Hedsor Hall promotes a brand of femininity that isn’t just about being dainty and delicate, even if it is limited to outdated pass-times of the English upper class. (I think we’re all ready hoping for falconry to make a popular comeback, though. Am I right?)

The school crest stands for “everything that defines a true lady,” explains Former misbehaving Miss USA/visiting instructor Tara Connor, “Dignity, Discipline, and Grace.” The Hall rules are just as predictable: No swearing, no excess drinking, no men in the rooms, no fighting. Contestants have also learned some of the unspoken rules the hard way. No refusing to get out of bed, for example. No smirking. And absolutely no talking about sex work!

Not surprisingly, a handful of the girls strip or make porn for a living, and the Headmistresses are “disgusted” whenever it comes up. One contestant, Brianna, almost got expelled for discussing her adult website when someone at a donor luncheon asked about her career. I hesitate to place any of the Hedsor Hall contestants in a “Support Sex Workers!” discussion (I’m sure most real-life sex workers would rather not be associated with these people), but it does raise some hackles to see sex work being so roundly dissed. Harbord and Schrager seem to believe that being a sex worker has nothing to do with socio-economic situations and everything to do with bad manners. It’s a bit closed-minded, to say the least.

But to be honest, I’m charmed by the idea of etiquette having the power to thwart sex work. Harbord and Schrager emphasize self-respect over and over again as the most important part of being a lady. Since Brianna has admitted that she believes her body is her most positive attribute, I really want to see Hedsor Hall prove her wrong. Maybe impeccable manners will become her best asset, or, better yet, falconry. Or maybe the girls will simply gain the skills to have more confidence in classrooms and job interviews. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know it’s just another MTV reality show, but I’m totally sold. Blame it on the British.

[Also posted at bitchmagazine.org]

Tool Spirit

“Terrible boyfriend? We can fix him. Complete tools transformed into knights in shining armor.” These are the promises of the opening credits of Tool Academy, VH1’s latest trash-tastic series in which women drag their truly terrible boyfriends through a relationship boot camp in hopes of turning them into nice guys. The tools agreed to come on the show thinking it was called Mr. Awesome, a competition to determine “the biggest Alpha male in America.” After they learned the show’s real premise, they all stayed on in hopes of proving themselves to their girlfriends...and winning $100,000 for being the best boyfriend.

If you’re wondering what makes a tool a tool, it appears to be a combination of made-up names (Celebrity, M.E.G.A., Matsuflex, etc.), excessive hair gel, and behavior that’s just…well, look if you dare:

I have to admit there’s a lot of satisfaction in watching uber-bros get the kind of corrective treatment that’s usually reserved for women. Shows like Flavor of Love Girls: Charm School, Rock of Love Girls: Charm School, Bad Girls Club, and (arguably) America’s Next Top Model focus on improving contestants’ speech, mannerisms, and social skills to fit a feminine ideal. It’s nice to see men undergoing a similar transformation. It’s even nicer that their ultimate goal is learning to treat women as equals.

Of course, part of the fun of Tool Academy lies in watching the tools reach previously undocumented heights of douchery. But the way the tools treat their girlfriends isn't entertaining. It’s often shocking.

A portion of the show takes place in group therapy where the tools talk it out with couples therapist Trina Dolenz. (It’s like a bizarre combination of Real World/Road Rules Challenge and Dr. Phil.) Dolenz encourages the men to express their true feelings, and reminds the women that they’ve “come here to help him change” when they lose patience. Partial responsibility for the tools’ behavior is placed on their girlfriends, who are expected to simultaneously keep their men in line and love them unconditionally...at least as long as they’re in the program.

But since the competition is about showing growth, the tools can usually get by with half-assed apologies and promises to try harder. The least sincere guy gets “expelled”, but even after elimination 2 out of 3 of the girls have chosen to stand by their tools. In fact, the couple in the clip above just announced their engagement!

It is NOT fun to be watching what you think is a guilty pleasure about tools getting schooled only to be confronted by a surprisingly intimate look at emotional abuse. However, there’s a rare value in common-denominator entertainment that has us all devastated when a woman stays with a man that doesn’t appreciate her. Since nobody wants to be a fool for tools, could Tool Academy actually inspire some female viewers to rethink their own relationships with men? I’m willing to bet that they will...and that VH1 will have no trouble finding contestants for Season 2.

[Original version posted on January 28, 2009 at bitchmagazine.org]

Runaway Bunnies

I’ve been conflicted about The Girls Next Door ever since it debuted in 2005. On the one hand, I tend to think it's sad that Holly Madison, Bridget Marquadt, and Kendra Wilkinson would want to be kept women for a doddering Hugh Heffner. If they’re really into the whole rich, sexy, polyamorous lifestyle, why don’t they want a guy who’s at least marginally attractive? But on the other hand, I don't want to undermine women’s autonomy by applying my own values to their choices. Even if it bums me out to see someone buy into the whole gals-should-be-hot-and-guys-should-be-rich farce that has come to define the Playboy empire, I (reluctantly) have to admit that it’s their prerogative.

Kendra                                             Holly                                                 Bridget

And E! wants us to know just how smart these bunnies are. Each of their bios at E! Online includes a “Beauty & Brains” section. Holly, for example, is studying at UCLA. (She’s also a Junior Editor at Playboy). Bridget’s got a Masters degree and she’s working toward another one. Kendra wants to be a sports announcer or a sports masseuse (although I suspect she has yet to pursue an education in either of these fields).

But if we're supposed to give the Girls credit for intelligence, autonomy, or just plain-old professionalism, then what's with the show's producers constantly undermining them? Post-production sound effects and editing portray these women of “beauty and brains” as silly, vapid, and even ridiculous.

In last week's episode. "Catcher in the Raw", Kendra organized a playmate softball game because “There’s nothing like seeing sexy girls get down and dirty." She picked out uniforms at American Apparel, scoured the Playboy encyclopedias for athletic-looking models to invite, and even took Holly to the batting cages to practice. “I do not consider myself an athletic person,” said Holly, “But that doesn’t stop me from going out there and trying to bust some ass!” (Confession: Holly Madison seems really nice and I kind of want to hang out with her.)

Once the bunnies were assembled for the big game, it became clear that Kendra was the only one with any softball experience. Many of the women had never played before, and some weren’t even familiar with the rules. Not surprisingly, once the game started there was gratuitous posing and ass-wiggling for the crowd. But the bunnies still made an admirable effort. They played hard, they were good sports, and they even seemed to improve by the last inning. Too bad the producers chose to portray their efforts as nothing more than laughable slapstick.

Extended Version

Is it admirable when a woman tries a new sport, even if it means there's a learning curve? Nope, slide whistle! What about when Bridget searches for the word "dugout" for half a second? Ditz cam! The difference between the playmates acting sexy for the crowd and being ridiculed by the camera is stark. It’s the difference between choice and objectification.

I actually tensed up when the butlers came out in pink cheerleader outfits because I was worried they were going to do some kind of horrifying playmate impression, but they only seemed to be making fun of themselves for the playmates’ amusement. In fact, I got the feeling that the softball game was more about women having fun than looking hot. (Even if Kendra did give out an award for the best tits. Sigh.) As Bridget said, “Softball was such a great bonding experience. We had such a great time.”

After this season wrapped, Holly and Kendra chose to move on to new men, and to move out of the mansion. They've been replaced by twins. I have to wonder if E!'s emphasis on the Girls' intelligence will become even more superficial in Season 6, now that the women we got to know are going the way of so many of Heffner's girlfriends before them. As for the twins: I predict kazoos in their future.

[Original version posted on December 18, 2008 at bitchmagazine.org]